Dear Thelma: Can't give up gambling
Dear Thelma
I’VE been fighting a serious addiction all my life. I’m addicted to gambling. It started when I was just a kid. I used to gamble with the village kids when I was in primary school. It seemed like harmless fun then. Of course, we would place small bets. Then it carried on into my secondary schooldays. And then, into my working life.
After I got married and the two kids came along, there was a temporary lull as I was busy with my new responsibilites as a young father. By the time the kids were older and didn’t need so much personal attention, I would slowly slip away during some weekends to try my luck at the casino in Genting. Then my trips to the casino became more frequent. There were times when I won big, but eventually, I lost all my winnings, and had to borrow from relatives.
All this while, I have managed to keep it a secret from my wife; I just tell her that I’m working outstation. I am in the sales line, and on months when I gambled away most of my pay, I told my wife that it was a bad month for sales. I feel bad that there were months when I had no money to give my wife for marketing and groceries.
My wife helps to supplement the family income by working as a babysitter for a few of our neighbours’ kids. So far, she has been very understanding and does not make demands on me. I sometimes wonder if she knows about my gambling habits. She does not mix with my family members and friends, and is a very reserved person. I don’t think they have approached her to complain about me. There were a few occasions when I got into serious debts and borrowed heavily from a relative. My two boys are in their 20s now but they are not doing so well, so we cannot count on them for financial support. My younger son dropped out of school after Form Three, and now works as a mechanic at a motor repair shop. The older boy works as a clerk in a small firm. He earns just enough to support himself, and help pay for the house rental.
I am in my mid-50s now and am broke, and seriously in debt. I’ve borrowed from just about every friend and relative who had money to lend me. As I am unable to return the money I borrowed most of the time, all my family members and friends have refused to lend me any more money. In fact, they are keeping their distance. I know my life’s a mess; I feel so miserable. Who can I turn to for help?
Please help me, Thelma. I am really desperate. Sometimes I feel like ending my life, but I feel that would be a terrible injustice to my wife and two children. They would never forgive me. Is there a way out for me? – Loser
Thelma's reply
Addiction is a serious problem that not only affects the person involved, but everyone close to him or her. Very often, society will pile the blame onto the affected person – whether it is drugs or alcohol or gambling – it is always seen as a “fault”.
The science – yes, there is one – behind gambling shows that there is a complex process involved. And, while the affected person can exercise willpower and agency over his or her behaviour, it is not merely a game of whose-fault-is-it.
Indeed, you are very lucky that your wife was able to supplement the household income. Do you really think she does not know the problem, though? If that is true, then it is highly serendipitous that she does not socialise with your friends and family. Perhaps she knows and chooses to stay away from them to avoid hearing their bitter comments about your habit.
And, you are right. Suicide is not a solution. It may end your guilt, but it will place an unfair and tremendous burden on your wife and children. Many people with addiction problems end up in worse situations than you. Not only are they debt-ridden, they also find themselves virtual pariahs whose family and friends do not want to touch with a ten-foot pole.
Relationships are strained and, in many cases, they end up being homeless. So, your path to recovery starts with you counting your blessings. Be grateful for what you have, and you have plenty. Even though your sons may not be in the best of social positions, at least they are still with you and are willing to support you and your wife. Your family is another issue. They, understandably, will be upset with you. I am sure they have grown tired of your excuses and promises to change. You will have to start by apologising to them. And then, you have to pay them back. Somehow, some way, you have to make good your promise to pay them back.
But, addiction is not something that you can deal with on you own. Professional help is often necessary. You do not have to pay for expensive treatments. You can access the help offered by mental health professionals in the general hospitals. The queues will be understandably long, but you need to persevere. If you are really serious about wanting to change, you will put yourself in this queue and wait for your appointment.
In the meantime, you have to exercise great perseverance to prevent yourself from dabbling in gambling. When dealing with issues like this, you have to set yourself realistic goals. Set small goals, also. Take each day as it comes. Reminders of the behaviour play a very important mediating role. Avoid anything – people, places, activities – that you associate with gambling. Obviously, trips to Genting are a strict no-no at least until you learn to curb your urges.
Even if you are in your 50s, you will have to find ways to make amends. That could mean continuing to work. Sit your family down, and tell them that you would like to address your problem and would like their support. Recovering from a gambling addiction is all the more difficult without the support of loved ones. You have to be prepared to face their ire – after all, they have been affected by your actions – and face up to the consequences. Do not expect them to accept you with open arms. Just be honest with them, and more importantly, be true to your promise. There is always a way if there is a will. You do not have to go through this alone. For more information on where you can find support, you may contact the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) for details.
http://www.thestar.com.my/Lifestyle/Family/Features/2014/06/22/Dear-Thelma-Cant-give-up-gambling/
I’VE been fighting a serious addiction all my life. I’m addicted to gambling. It started when I was just a kid. I used to gamble with the village kids when I was in primary school. It seemed like harmless fun then. Of course, we would place small bets. Then it carried on into my secondary schooldays. And then, into my working life.
After I got married and the two kids came along, there was a temporary lull as I was busy with my new responsibilites as a young father. By the time the kids were older and didn’t need so much personal attention, I would slowly slip away during some weekends to try my luck at the casino in Genting. Then my trips to the casino became more frequent. There were times when I won big, but eventually, I lost all my winnings, and had to borrow from relatives.
All this while, I have managed to keep it a secret from my wife; I just tell her that I’m working outstation. I am in the sales line, and on months when I gambled away most of my pay, I told my wife that it was a bad month for sales. I feel bad that there were months when I had no money to give my wife for marketing and groceries.
My wife helps to supplement the family income by working as a babysitter for a few of our neighbours’ kids. So far, she has been very understanding and does not make demands on me. I sometimes wonder if she knows about my gambling habits. She does not mix with my family members and friends, and is a very reserved person. I don’t think they have approached her to complain about me. There were a few occasions when I got into serious debts and borrowed heavily from a relative. My two boys are in their 20s now but they are not doing so well, so we cannot count on them for financial support. My younger son dropped out of school after Form Three, and now works as a mechanic at a motor repair shop. The older boy works as a clerk in a small firm. He earns just enough to support himself, and help pay for the house rental.
I am in my mid-50s now and am broke, and seriously in debt. I’ve borrowed from just about every friend and relative who had money to lend me. As I am unable to return the money I borrowed most of the time, all my family members and friends have refused to lend me any more money. In fact, they are keeping their distance. I know my life’s a mess; I feel so miserable. Who can I turn to for help?
Please help me, Thelma. I am really desperate. Sometimes I feel like ending my life, but I feel that would be a terrible injustice to my wife and two children. They would never forgive me. Is there a way out for me? – Loser
Thelma's reply
Addiction is a serious problem that not only affects the person involved, but everyone close to him or her. Very often, society will pile the blame onto the affected person – whether it is drugs or alcohol or gambling – it is always seen as a “fault”.
The science – yes, there is one – behind gambling shows that there is a complex process involved. And, while the affected person can exercise willpower and agency over his or her behaviour, it is not merely a game of whose-fault-is-it.
Indeed, you are very lucky that your wife was able to supplement the household income. Do you really think she does not know the problem, though? If that is true, then it is highly serendipitous that she does not socialise with your friends and family. Perhaps she knows and chooses to stay away from them to avoid hearing their bitter comments about your habit.
And, you are right. Suicide is not a solution. It may end your guilt, but it will place an unfair and tremendous burden on your wife and children. Many people with addiction problems end up in worse situations than you. Not only are they debt-ridden, they also find themselves virtual pariahs whose family and friends do not want to touch with a ten-foot pole.
Relationships are strained and, in many cases, they end up being homeless. So, your path to recovery starts with you counting your blessings. Be grateful for what you have, and you have plenty. Even though your sons may not be in the best of social positions, at least they are still with you and are willing to support you and your wife. Your family is another issue. They, understandably, will be upset with you. I am sure they have grown tired of your excuses and promises to change. You will have to start by apologising to them. And then, you have to pay them back. Somehow, some way, you have to make good your promise to pay them back.
But, addiction is not something that you can deal with on you own. Professional help is often necessary. You do not have to pay for expensive treatments. You can access the help offered by mental health professionals in the general hospitals. The queues will be understandably long, but you need to persevere. If you are really serious about wanting to change, you will put yourself in this queue and wait for your appointment.
In the meantime, you have to exercise great perseverance to prevent yourself from dabbling in gambling. When dealing with issues like this, you have to set yourself realistic goals. Set small goals, also. Take each day as it comes. Reminders of the behaviour play a very important mediating role. Avoid anything – people, places, activities – that you associate with gambling. Obviously, trips to Genting are a strict no-no at least until you learn to curb your urges.
Even if you are in your 50s, you will have to find ways to make amends. That could mean continuing to work. Sit your family down, and tell them that you would like to address your problem and would like their support. Recovering from a gambling addiction is all the more difficult without the support of loved ones. You have to be prepared to face their ire – after all, they have been affected by your actions – and face up to the consequences. Do not expect them to accept you with open arms. Just be honest with them, and more importantly, be true to your promise. There is always a way if there is a will. You do not have to go through this alone. For more information on where you can find support, you may contact the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) for details.
http://www.thestar.com.my/Lifestyle/Family/Features/2014/06/22/Dear-Thelma-Cant-give-up-gambling/
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