The Invisible Toll

Below are 2 comments that help explain the invisible emotional toll of Gambling Addiction:



I have been a gambling addict for two years. I wrote this last month because I have no one to talk to about this. I have never been so alone in all of my life. I just gambled away another paycheck today and I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

"What I want to say to everyone in my family and those that love me is this, “I am an addict.” I may not drink and shoot drugs into my veins, but the devastation in my life is just as real. I spent the weekend from the time I got paid gambling away my rent and grocery money, just like I did last payday and the payday before that. It’s the reason we don’t have gas service, cable, internet, car insurance, or soon to be power. I have borrowed the limit with my parents and can’t go anywhere else for money. I don’t know what to do.

On the way back from the casino, I kept chanting, “just kill me.” But I didn’t really mean it, what I meant was, “save me please someone save me.” The despair flavors everything and I am devoid of meaning or joy in my life. There is only the overwhelming desire to keep it a secret, to keep going, to make it right, and to somehow erase what I’ve done and the damage I’ve caused to my family.
In order to finance my gambling addiction, I have stolen from my kids, my grandmother, my parents, and my employer. I have forced my kids to turn over their birthday money and Christmas money for the past two years to make up for the void left by my gambling. I’ve given them the money back, or the equivalent, but always reluctantly and grudgingly.

I am ashamed, more than ashamed, I am broken. I am so focused on myself that I can no longer participate in life. I have become small, petty minded, and mean. The despair is so overwhelming, the hopelessness, the worthlessness, the lessness of me. I have gotten to the point where I will shed a few tears at the silliest things, like a sappy commercial or a love story, but can no longer wash my sorrows away with real tears. I am empty of human emotions, except for greed and avarice. Oh, and hate. I am full of hate. I hate my life I hate myself I hate what I have done I hate the path I have chosen I hate the trap I hate the unrelenting sadness that I can’t give voice to. Mostly I hate the person I’ve become.

I used to live with an alcoholic and wondered why he couldn’t just snap out of it. I remember pouting until he would have sex with me, and then getting angry for him asking if I would buy him beer afterwards. But I understand it now; I almost slept with a man because he gave me money to gamble with. I have whispered to myself that I would blow someone for a few hundred, knowing that the thought alone is a slippery slope. I have compromised myself on so many levels, given up the pretension that I am a decent and good person. I have disposed of all the good in me and stripped away any pride that I may have had. All that is left is shame and the knowledge that if someone offered me a few hundred dollars, I would be right back in the casino, hoping for the big hit. The problem with the big hit is the fact that I always gamble it right back away. I won $500 Friday morning, and gambled it back away. I then won another $500 Friday night and gambled it back away again. I spent all of my rent money, and then went back to the casino Sunday to try and win it back with the last of my grocery money. Predictably, I lost it all, including the $77 that I wasn’t going to gamble so I could buy FOOD FOR MY ######6 CHILDREN."

I am going through most of what you just posted. I am so mad at myself. I have put myself in a position that I do not feel there is a way out. Scared to confess that I need help. My life is spiraling out of control. Quickly, I feel I have hit bottom. Things can be going fairly smoothly for me, and I just ruin it with my impusiveness. Not only did I drive an hour away to the casino last night. I spent every bit of my paycheck. That is 1262.00. Did not pay rent. Did not pay gas / electric. I am so stupid and ashamed. I have been looking at gamblers anon for the last few months, because I see myself just getting worse. To see me, you wouldn't know. I have a great job, I do not do drugs / smoke. But this gambling has me completely out of control. Like I would do anything to make this go away. I want to get in the car and drive. Not look back. Who cares what happens to me. It is such a lonely feeling, and it seems like no one would ever understand.


http://www.psychforums.com/gambling-addiction/topic96438.html